Rule #3 is Crap, Unless You Are Selling Drugs

"Do you know that there are workshops designed to teach women how to make eye contact with men they find attractive? Save your money. It is never necessary to make eye contact. What about letting men know you're receptive? We suggest simply smiling at the room (or the universe, if you will), and looking relaxed and approachable.""On the first date, avoid staring romantically into his eyes. Instead, look down at the table or your food, or simply survey the crowd at the restaurant. He will feel crowded and self-conscious if you gaze at him too much."

Absolutely 100% wrong. You know how I know a girl at a bar or other social function is interested? She keeps looking at me. The ones who don’t? Why would I waste my time on somebody who obviously doesn’t appreciate how I look? No, no, no, no, no. Checking me out, or dare I say even staring at me all night, is the quickest way to a man’s heart. And as for staring off into space? Perhaps if I were looking for some Peyote I would approach a girl with a thousand yard stare. Or maybe if I were into chicks that have just gotten back from ‘Nam. Otheriwse, do try looking at me girls. I put a lot of work into how I look, if you can’t appreciate it I don’t have time for you.

And if you are staring at the table or the food on a date, you know who comes off as crowded and self-conscious? YOU! You look too nervous to talk to me! Believe it or not, guys like confidence too. And even if we assume “The Rules” are right (kind of like assuming Saddam was going to attack us with nuclear weapons, but whatever) who wants to be with a girl who makes you feel crowded? Is that fun? The more I read this, the more I think this author wrote this shit for shock value.

"One of the hardest aspects of dating is figuring out what to say. If you're smart, you'll just stay cool and just listen to what he has to say. Follow his lead. If he wants to talk about dance clubs, tell him which ones you've been to and which ones you like.""Don't feel you have to be entertaining or have interesting conversation all the time. On the date itself, be quiet and reserved. He'll wonder what you're thinking, if you like him, and if he's making a good impression."

From a male perspective, I actually kind of like this one. Because nobody loves talking about themselves more than I do. When a girl has nothing to say, I will just sit there and ramble on about my friends, my life, my family, whatever. Now, do I think girls like to hear about this? Hell no. But it beats the shit out of uncomfortable silences. That being said, if you are female, why on Earth do you want to go out with a guy who doesn’t shut up about himself? Nobody likes that. This is horrible advice unless you want to end up with a self-centered guy who really doesn’t care what you have to say. I prefer a good, two-sided conversation, don’t get me wrong. But if a girl is following this nonsense, it will just give me a better chance to talk about my favorite subject: Me.

Rule #3: Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much

"Do you know that there are workshops designed to teach women how to make eye contact with men they find attractive? Save your money. It is never necessary to make eye contact. What about letting men know you're receptive? We suggest simply smiling at the room (or the universe, if you will), and looking relaxed and approachable."
"On the first date, avoid staring romantically into his eyes. Instead, look down at the table or your food, or simply survey the crowd at the restaurant. He will feel crowded and self-conscious if you gaze at him too much."

Ok, so I will agree that staring at a man you're interested in at a bar probably isn't the best idea- you could end up looking like a stalker. But no eye contact?? Give me a break. I firmly believe that it is necessary to at least make eye contact with someone to let them know you're interested. And smiling at the room? Ok, so I'm supposed to sit alone at a bar, smiling? Do you have any idea how crazy that looks? I can guarantee you that if you use this technique, absolutely NO ONE will approach you. Men generally don't approach women who look like they are a few sandwiches shy of a picnic.
And when on a date I'm not supposed to make eye contact with the guy? It seems to me that if I am out with someone and they are looking at everything but me, I'm going to assume that they have no interest in me or in what I have to say.

"One of the hardest aspects of dating is figuring out what to say. If you're smart, you'll just stay cool and just listen to what he has to say. Follow his lead. If he wants to talk about dance clubs, tell him which ones you've been to and which ones you like."
"Don't feel you have to be entertaining or have interesting conversation all the time. On the date itself, be quiet and reserved. He'll wonder what you're thinking, if you like him, and if he's making a good impression."

While I agree that being a chatterbox is a definite turn-off, I don't think that being quiet and reserved is the best policy, either. I think that if he is the man for you, letting your real personality show through is the best thing that you can do. If you are quiet and reserved, don't try to be something else on a date. But if you are fun and quirky, then by all means, show your true self. Trying to be reserved when it's not who you are will come across as fake. If the guy wants a quiet woman, then he's not the right man for you.

All of these rules seem to be telling you to be someone you aren't. What happens if the "Rules" work and the guy falls in love with you? The answer is that they don't work, because if he falls in love, it's not with you; it's with the person you are portraying by following the "Rules."

White Dade's Take on Rule #2

Never? Not even 'Let's have coffee' or 'Do you come here often?' Right, not even these seemingly harmless openers. Otherwise, how will you know if he spotted you first, was smitten by you and had to have you, or is just being polite?"

I think I did an entire post about something like this once. Just because a man approaches you does not mean that he is “smitten” or “has to have you.” He may just also be being polite. And again, this is why “The Rules” just irks me to no damn end. Because there are a lot of men out there who find it unbelievably sexy when a woman approaches them. So you are weeding out a good portion of the population. And the guys who always approach women? Jackasses, all of them.

"By not accepting the concept that the man must pursue the woman, women put themselves in jeopardy of being rejected or ignored, if not at the moment, then at some point in the future."

Ash, you have a good point. When a woman is rejected by a man it is much more devastating than the other way around. To say that men are more open to advances than women would be like saying the US is more open to new ideas than Cuba. That being said, your chances are a hell of a lot better. But let’s not forget, it’s not like guys live for being turned down either. Personally, I will approach a girl maybe once or twice a year, and generally that girl has to be on Spring Break and at least six Rum Runners into the night. Otherwise, I figure if a girl wants you, she’ll talk to you. Rejection is my biggest fear, so I guess I can’t blame a woman for feeling the same way.

"A word about dances." (again with the dances!!) "It's become quite popular these days for women to ask men to dance. If a man doesn't bother to walk across the room to seek you out and ask you to dance, then he's obviously not interested and asking him to dance won't change his feelings for you. He'll probably be flattered that you asked and dance with you just to be polite and he might even want to have sex with you that night, but he won't be crazy about you. Either he didn't notice you or you made it too easy. He never got a chance to pursue you and this fact will always permeate the relationship even if he does ask you out."

"Dances are not necessarily fun for us. They may be fun for other women who just want to go out and have a good time. But you're looking for love and marriage so you can't always do what you feel like. You have to do "The Rules." That means that even when you're bored or lonely, you don't ask men to dance. Don't even stand next to someone you like, hoping he'll ask you, as many women do. You have to wait for someone to notice you."

Okay, for the sake of this blog, lets just call “Dances” “Clubs.” Because in a modern setting, this is what she is referring to (again, for my LDS readers out there, you are the exception). You know how women ask men to dance nowadays? They walk up and dance near a guy, hoping he’ll catch on. But no rejection is really risked because you’ll never know if the guy wasn’t interested or he was just too drunk/high/enthralled by the DJ to notice you were there. And how do guys ask girls to dance? They come up behind them and start humping away like they were on a National Geographic special. Not very romantic at all, is it? If you are looking for a long term partner, do you really want to tell people at your engagement party, “Then Larry came up behind me and started grinding himself on my ass, and I knew it was love?” Best to avoid “Dances” altogether if you are looking for anything more than intoxicated sex.

I will agree with one point, though. If you initiate thing it does put you at a disadvantage in the future. Because in any relationship there is always one person who likes the other person more, and that is the one at the disadvantage. So, I guess for once, The Rules does make a valid point.

Rule # 2: Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)

Ok, so Rule #1 (be a creature unlike any other) had some merit, but I am seriously doubting Rule #2.

"Never? Not even 'Let's have coffee' or 'Do you come here often?' Right, not even these seemingly harmless openers. Otherwise, how will you know if he spotted you first, was smitten by you and had to have you, or is just being polite?"

I like to think that I'm a fairly friendly person. And I think friendliness is much more attractive to a guy than aloofness (if that's even a word). As to whether or not he's just being polite, if he wants to be around me more, I think that's a fairly good indication that he's not just being polite.

"By not accepting the concept that the man must pursue the woman, women put themselves in jeopardy of being rejected or ignored, if not at the moment, then at some point in the future."

Sure we do. But by waiting for a man to approach us, we put ourselves in jeopardy of being very alone, as well. And aren't men putting themselves in jeopardy of being rejected if they have to approach us? I don't know a single person who hasn't been rejected at some point in their lives, and the more often it happens, the more gun-shy we all become- men as well as women. There are probably some great guys out there who are being passed by because they are too afraid of being rejected to approach a woman.

On the other hand, I have pursued men before, and that rejection is the worst. So I think we need to find some happy medium. My opinion is that it is alright to approach a guy, but if he doesn't seem interested, then move on.

"A word about dances." (again with the dances!!) "It's become quite popular these days for women to ask men to dance. If a man doesn't bother to walk across the room to seek you out and ask you to dance, then he's obviously not interested and asking him to dance won't change his feelings for you. He'll probably be flattered that you asked and dance with you just to be polite and he might even want to have sex with you that night, but he won't be crazy about you. Either he didn't notice you or you made it too easy. He never got a chance to pursue you and this fact will always permeate the relationship even if he does ask you out."

"Dances are not necessarily fun for us. They may be fun for other women who just want to go out and have a good time. But you're looking for love and marriage so you can't always do what you feel like. You have to do "The Rules." That means that even when you're bored or lonely, you don't ask men to dance. Don't even stand next to someone you like, hoping he'll ask you, as many women do. You have to wait for someone to notice you."

Ok, so maybe that man that you asked to dance won't be that interested in you, but maybe by going out on the dancefloor and having fun, someone else will notice you. It is my belief that men are much more likely to notice the girl on the dancefloor, having a good time, and lighting up the room with her smile. By standing around and waiting for someone to ask you to dance, I think you are setting yourself up to look standoff-ish and boring.

That's What You Get

Well, well, well. So you went on a date and weren’t funny or talked much and the date was painfully dull, huh? Surprise, surprise. Now, granted, this guy sounds like he was about as interesting as your typical Prime Time selection on C-Span, but in situations such as this it then falls on you to make the date bearable. By no means go out with him again, but in order to get through an excruciating experience such as this, sometimes the lady must be funny and/or talk a little too much. Otherwise it’s just crickets and tumbleweeds.

So, yet again, the Rules are shown to be quite inaccurate. Were you out with a stockbroker or actor or some other profession where men love to talk about nothing but themselves, the Rules may have served you well. But when you are on a date with a guy like Cuddle Bunny, sometimes it is in the best interest of your sanity to keep the conversation alive. Unless you enjoy your main social interaction for the evening consisting of “Yes, the Blue Accord? That’s mine.”

Saturday's "Rules" Date

So I've waited a few days to post anything about my date last weekend, hoping I would think of something interesting to talk about, but no such luck. It was perhaps the dullest date I have ever been on. "Cuddle Bear" (as White Dade has chosen to name him) had absolutely nothing to say the entire evening. And since the Rules tell me not to be funny or talk too much, I had no way of saving the date. It was excruciating. I really wish there was more to tell you all, but I was barely able to stay awake at dinner.
And by the way Bad @ Life & JenJen....I wore black pants and a baby blue tank-top. (No neon colors on this one).

A Guy's Perspective on Rule #1

Ok...time for another installment of "White Dade's Opinion." WD, I am really happy I picked someone so opinionated. It helps a lot to hear a man's (un-edited) point of view. Without further ado.....

My First "Rules" Date and Rule #1: Be a "Creature Unlike Any Other."

The Guy's Perspective:

First off, I would like to congratulate Miss Ash on getting herself a date. I hope your Cuddle Bunny asked you out. Very un-rules like otherwise. Who the Hell does that? Seriously? Even if you DO like to cuddle, that’s like saying “I want to make you breakfast in bed” before you take someone home. Ridiculous. I eagerly await the opportunity to critique this social outing.

"Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile (you light up the room), pause between sentences (you don't babble on and on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight), and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back)." "It doesn't matter if you're not a beauty queen, that you never finished college, or that you don't keep up with current events. You still think you're enough! You have more confidence than women with MBAs or money in the bank. You don't grovel. You're not desperate or anxious. You don't date men who don't want you. You trust in the abundance and goodness of the universe: if not him, someone better, you say. You don't settle. You don't chase anyone. You don't use sex to make men love you. You believe in love and marriage. You're not cynical. You don't go to pieces when a relationship doesn't work out. Instead, you get a manicure and go out on another date or to a singles dance. You're an optimist. You brush away a tear so that it doesn't smudge your makeup and you move on! Of course, that is not how you really feel. This is how you pretend you feel until it feels real. You act as if!"

Confident women are great, so long as they are confident about things that are worth being confident about. That girl with the loud, obnoxious voice who makes no effort to tone it down because she is proud of its tone? Not attractive. That girl who acts like a spoiled, high-maintenance brat because she is proud to be part of ParisNation? She will be spending a lot of Saturday nights with her toy Pomeranian. Or the girl who weighs two bills and orders dessert saying “Hey, I’m fat and proud?” Good, you will soon also be diabetic and proud, a cardiac patient and proud and, probably, single and proud. So, yes, ladies, be yourself, so long as yourself is not an overly offensive, spoiled fat girl, Because God knows every man pictures himself with one of those. And how does this apply to women who, you know, actually finished college, have MBA’s and money in the bank? Are they supposed to be like “I am more confident than those bimbos who dropped out of community college so they could marry well?” I just don’t know.

"Most women hang around men all night waiting to be asked to dance. But you do The Rules. If he wants to be with you or get your phone number, he'll search the crowded room until he finds you. You don't offer him your pen or business card. You don't make it easy for him. Don't even carry them with you or you may be tempted to "help him out." The reason is that he has to do all the work. As he scrambles around begging the coat-check girl for a pen, you stand quietly. You think to yourself, 'The Rules have begun!'"

Singles dances are actually quite popular among twentysomethings. Provided those twentysomethings are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Otherwise “Singles Dances” are generally held in large rooms with smoke, lasers, alcohol and the occasional illicit drug. At which point finding a pen may prove rather difficult. At any rate, telling a woman to make a man do all the work is only setting her up for failure. When you do this, a man thinks “If I have to do all the work now, what happens when we are in bed? Or, God forbid, have children?” Okay, we actually skip that second part, but still we are concerned that a woman who makes you desperately scramble for a pen may be the type to make your life a living Hell should you choose to pursue her after the lights come on. And, again, a lot of men feed of female interest. Feigning apathy will only make me less inclined to call you. Feigning interest, on the other hand, may get you dinner at The Ivy.

Rule #1: Be a "Creature Unlike Any Other."

I will admit that Rule #1, in essence is a very good one. Aside from acting "demurely," the basic premise is great.

"Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile (you light up the room), pause between sentences (you don't babble on and on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight), and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back)."
"It doesn't matter if you're not a beauty queen, that you never finished college, or that you don't keep up with current events. You still think you're enough! You have more confidence than women with MBAs or money in the bank. You don't grovel. You're not desperate or anxious. You don't date men who don't want you. You trust in the abundance and goodness of the universe: if not him, someone better, you say. You don't settle. You don't chase anyone. You don't use sex to make men love you. You believe in love and marriage. You're not cynical. You don't go to pieces when a relationship doesn't work out. Instead, you get a manicure and go out on another date or to a singles dance. You're an optimist. You brush away a tear so that it doesn't smudge your makeup and you move on! Of course, that is not how you really feel. This is how you pretend you feel until it feels real. You act as if!"

Ok, this one is pretty ok in my book. I agree that desperation is not attractive and moving and not settling for someone who doesn't feel the same is the best thing to do- even if you have to fake it. By the way, what the hell are "singles dances." Hard to believe that this was written in 1995.

"Most women hang around men all night waiting to be asked to dance. But you do The Rules. If he wants to be with you or get your phone number, he'll search the crowded room until he finds you. You don't offer him your pen or business card. You don't make it easy for him. Don't even carry them with you or you may be tempted to "help him out." The reason is that he has to do all the work. As he scrambles around begging the coat-check girl for a pen, you stand quietly. You think to yourself, 'The Rules have begun!'"

More like "the games have begun." Ok, this seems really unneccessary. I really don't want to make a guy run all around a "singles dance" (haha), looking for a damn pen. I always carry one, and besides, I don't know a single person who doesn't have a cell phone. Also, I don't see a problem with asking a guy to dance, as long as it doesn't seem desperate and I don't go up to him multiple times to ask.