The Rules Experiment

Sunday, April 9

Rule #3: Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much

"Do you know that there are workshops designed to teach women how to make eye contact with men they find attractive? Save your money. It is never necessary to make eye contact. What about letting men know you're receptive? We suggest simply smiling at the room (or the universe, if you will), and looking relaxed and approachable."
"On the first date, avoid staring romantically into his eyes. Instead, look down at the table or your food, or simply survey the crowd at the restaurant. He will feel crowded and self-conscious if you gaze at him too much."

Ok, so I will agree that staring at a man you're interested in at a bar probably isn't the best idea- you could end up looking like a stalker. But no eye contact?? Give me a break. I firmly believe that it is necessary to at least make eye contact with someone to let them know you're interested. And smiling at the room? Ok, so I'm supposed to sit alone at a bar, smiling? Do you have any idea how crazy that looks? I can guarantee you that if you use this technique, absolutely NO ONE will approach you. Men generally don't approach women who look like they are a few sandwiches shy of a picnic.
And when on a date I'm not supposed to make eye contact with the guy? It seems to me that if I am out with someone and they are looking at everything but me, I'm going to assume that they have no interest in me or in what I have to say.

"One of the hardest aspects of dating is figuring out what to say. If you're smart, you'll just stay cool and just listen to what he has to say. Follow his lead. If he wants to talk about dance clubs, tell him which ones you've been to and which ones you like."
"Don't feel you have to be entertaining or have interesting conversation all the time. On the date itself, be quiet and reserved. He'll wonder what you're thinking, if you like him, and if he's making a good impression."

While I agree that being a chatterbox is a definite turn-off, I don't think that being quiet and reserved is the best policy, either. I think that if he is the man for you, letting your real personality show through is the best thing that you can do. If you are quiet and reserved, don't try to be something else on a date. But if you are fun and quirky, then by all means, show your true self. Trying to be reserved when it's not who you are will come across as fake. If the guy wants a quiet woman, then he's not the right man for you.

All of these rules seem to be telling you to be someone you aren't. What happens if the "Rules" work and the guy falls in love with you? The answer is that they don't work, because if he falls in love, it's not with you; it's with the person you are portraying by following the "Rules."


Anonymous Anonymous said...

..wanderer from ninerJen..

I find "Enchanted Love" by Marianne Williamson a little more homecoming. Just out of a 10 year "learning experience".. finding the idea of having to completely Start Over a bit like making a first appointment with a doctor after being told you have cancer. Scary. I have never acted like such a teenager.. even when I was one (okay scratch that..) Just now I am a Conscious Teenager! Target - the Vitamin Man at the local organic market. Progress: drive by shy smiles humiliating attempts at saying hello at the wrong time. The difference today is I go home, cry my eyeballs out, and then have a glass of wine and laugh the rest of the night at the moronic value of the whole situation.

~Lucky Lady

4/13/2006 2:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Addendum to previous post:

Okay, you won't find the rules in "Enchanted Love".. but I think after reading all the "how to" books it was just a relief to hear someone say to relish in your feelings.. go with them and stop trying to put them in a box. That's what will make you attractive to the right person.. now that's not to say let it all hang out.. she has a section about men being the "hunters" and so does John Grey in "Mars and Venus on a Date" and Tracy Cox in "Hot Relationships".. (yes, I've read them all too..) The "hunter" philosophy is the most consistant. I think it is different than "hard to get" and a lot less try.. be yourself and don't compromise too much and you are bound to exude the magnetic pheromones necessary to lead a trail of stray dogs.. hopefully some of 'em are attractive to you.

What to do in a bar? Why are you looking in a bar? (I hope I read your posts right..) I will only go to a bar if there are friends I have a good time with, feel like trying to shoot pool, or if there is a live band or dancing (something to do). Otherwise... BOOORRRRING! I tried last week to do something different.. get this! -- Kundalini Yoga in Santa Ana at a hippie guru's house! Now there's a conversation starter! Can't have many conversation starters if you are going to bars on your spare time.. just my "sick of it" opinion.. I'm just going to find fun things to do and hope there is someone hot there, too, taking an active role in his own life.

"Return to Love" (Marianne Williamson) is my new book.. tougher and sometimes a little too much "higher ground" for me.. though very profound (just I am feeling quite human these days and "surrender" is not a favorite word for me).

Lucky Lady XO ;)

4/13/2006 2:47 AM  
Blogger Lady Luck said...

..okay one more thing...

"Just One Look - It was a love like a chord from Bach, of such pure gravity." ~ Nina Cassian

Let yourself be female. That is your strength.


4/13/2006 3:15 AM  
Blogger annie said...

People fall in love with shy people all the time. I certainly did.

I get it that sometimes you need to speak up and have something interesting to say in social settings so that a potential good catch doesn't pass you by.

But, like you, I'm also a big believer in being yourself.

4/14/2006 12:41 PM  
Blogger *sunmoonstars* said...

i totally agree with you when you said: 'What happens if the "Rules" work and the guy falls in love with you? The answer is that they don't work, because if he falls in love, it's not with you; it's with the person you are portraying by following the "Rules." " i did something like this, not because of a book ,but because i was a stupid, insecure teenager trying to play in the big leagues.. now i am married to him with 2 kids and he totally does not know me.. not only that, but he is mr. bossman because i let him get the upper hand.. the best we can do is be ourselves from the beginning.. just as you said, if the guy doesn't like it, he's not the right guy..

4/19/2006 11:02 PM  
Anonymous Pete Dunn said...

Oh so THAT's why women don't stare at me. Whew, I thought I was just unattractive.

Ladies, feel free to ogle, I don't mind.

12/01/2006 2:21 PM  

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