White Dade's Take on Rule #2

Never? Not even 'Let's have coffee' or 'Do you come here often?' Right, not even these seemingly harmless openers. Otherwise, how will you know if he spotted you first, was smitten by you and had to have you, or is just being polite?"

I think I did an entire post about something like this once. Just because a man approaches you does not mean that he is “smitten” or “has to have you.” He may just also be being polite. And again, this is why “The Rules” just irks me to no damn end. Because there are a lot of men out there who find it unbelievably sexy when a woman approaches them. So you are weeding out a good portion of the population. And the guys who always approach women? Jackasses, all of them.

"By not accepting the concept that the man must pursue the woman, women put themselves in jeopardy of being rejected or ignored, if not at the moment, then at some point in the future."

Ash, you have a good point. When a woman is rejected by a man it is much more devastating than the other way around. To say that men are more open to advances than women would be like saying the US is more open to new ideas than Cuba. That being said, your chances are a hell of a lot better. But let’s not forget, it’s not like guys live for being turned down either. Personally, I will approach a girl maybe once or twice a year, and generally that girl has to be on Spring Break and at least six Rum Runners into the night. Otherwise, I figure if a girl wants you, she’ll talk to you. Rejection is my biggest fear, so I guess I can’t blame a woman for feeling the same way.

"A word about dances." (again with the dances!!) "It's become quite popular these days for women to ask men to dance. If a man doesn't bother to walk across the room to seek you out and ask you to dance, then he's obviously not interested and asking him to dance won't change his feelings for you. He'll probably be flattered that you asked and dance with you just to be polite and he might even want to have sex with you that night, but he won't be crazy about you. Either he didn't notice you or you made it too easy. He never got a chance to pursue you and this fact will always permeate the relationship even if he does ask you out."

"Dances are not necessarily fun for us. They may be fun for other women who just want to go out and have a good time. But you're looking for love and marriage so you can't always do what you feel like. You have to do "The Rules." That means that even when you're bored or lonely, you don't ask men to dance. Don't even stand next to someone you like, hoping he'll ask you, as many women do. You have to wait for someone to notice you."

Okay, for the sake of this blog, lets just call “Dances” “Clubs.” Because in a modern setting, this is what she is referring to (again, for my LDS readers out there, you are the exception). You know how women ask men to dance nowadays? They walk up and dance near a guy, hoping he’ll catch on. But no rejection is really risked because you’ll never know if the guy wasn’t interested or he was just too drunk/high/enthralled by the DJ to notice you were there. And how do guys ask girls to dance? They come up behind them and start humping away like they were on a National Geographic special. Not very romantic at all, is it? If you are looking for a long term partner, do you really want to tell people at your engagement party, “Then Larry came up behind me and started grinding himself on my ass, and I knew it was love?” Best to avoid “Dances” altogether if you are looking for anything more than intoxicated sex.

I will agree with one point, though. If you initiate thing it does put you at a disadvantage in the future. Because in any relationship there is always one person who likes the other person more, and that is the one at the disadvantage. So, I guess for once, The Rules does make a valid point.

Rule # 2: Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)

Ok, so Rule #1 (be a creature unlike any other) had some merit, but I am seriously doubting Rule #2.

"Never? Not even 'Let's have coffee' or 'Do you come here often?' Right, not even these seemingly harmless openers. Otherwise, how will you know if he spotted you first, was smitten by you and had to have you, or is just being polite?"

I like to think that I'm a fairly friendly person. And I think friendliness is much more attractive to a guy than aloofness (if that's even a word). As to whether or not he's just being polite, if he wants to be around me more, I think that's a fairly good indication that he's not just being polite.

"By not accepting the concept that the man must pursue the woman, women put themselves in jeopardy of being rejected or ignored, if not at the moment, then at some point in the future."

Sure we do. But by waiting for a man to approach us, we put ourselves in jeopardy of being very alone, as well. And aren't men putting themselves in jeopardy of being rejected if they have to approach us? I don't know a single person who hasn't been rejected at some point in their lives, and the more often it happens, the more gun-shy we all become- men as well as women. There are probably some great guys out there who are being passed by because they are too afraid of being rejected to approach a woman.

On the other hand, I have pursued men before, and that rejection is the worst. So I think we need to find some happy medium. My opinion is that it is alright to approach a guy, but if he doesn't seem interested, then move on.

"A word about dances." (again with the dances!!) "It's become quite popular these days for women to ask men to dance. If a man doesn't bother to walk across the room to seek you out and ask you to dance, then he's obviously not interested and asking him to dance won't change his feelings for you. He'll probably be flattered that you asked and dance with you just to be polite and he might even want to have sex with you that night, but he won't be crazy about you. Either he didn't notice you or you made it too easy. He never got a chance to pursue you and this fact will always permeate the relationship even if he does ask you out."

"Dances are not necessarily fun for us. They may be fun for other women who just want to go out and have a good time. But you're looking for love and marriage so you can't always do what you feel like. You have to do "The Rules." That means that even when you're bored or lonely, you don't ask men to dance. Don't even stand next to someone you like, hoping he'll ask you, as many women do. You have to wait for someone to notice you."

Ok, so maybe that man that you asked to dance won't be that interested in you, but maybe by going out on the dancefloor and having fun, someone else will notice you. It is my belief that men are much more likely to notice the girl on the dancefloor, having a good time, and lighting up the room with her smile. By standing around and waiting for someone to ask you to dance, I think you are setting yourself up to look standoff-ish and boring.

That's What You Get

Well, well, well. So you went on a date and weren’t funny or talked much and the date was painfully dull, huh? Surprise, surprise. Now, granted, this guy sounds like he was about as interesting as your typical Prime Time selection on C-Span, but in situations such as this it then falls on you to make the date bearable. By no means go out with him again, but in order to get through an excruciating experience such as this, sometimes the lady must be funny and/or talk a little too much. Otherwise it’s just crickets and tumbleweeds.

So, yet again, the Rules are shown to be quite inaccurate. Were you out with a stockbroker or actor or some other profession where men love to talk about nothing but themselves, the Rules may have served you well. But when you are on a date with a guy like Cuddle Bunny, sometimes it is in the best interest of your sanity to keep the conversation alive. Unless you enjoy your main social interaction for the evening consisting of “Yes, the Blue Accord? That’s mine.”

Saturday's "Rules" Date

So I've waited a few days to post anything about my date last weekend, hoping I would think of something interesting to talk about, but no such luck. It was perhaps the dullest date I have ever been on. "Cuddle Bear" (as White Dade has chosen to name him) had absolutely nothing to say the entire evening. And since the Rules tell me not to be funny or talk too much, I had no way of saving the date. It was excruciating. I really wish there was more to tell you all, but I was barely able to stay awake at dinner.
And by the way Bad @ Life & JenJen....I wore black pants and a baby blue tank-top. (No neon colors on this one).

A Guy's Perspective on Rule #1

Ok...time for another installment of "White Dade's Opinion." WD, I am really happy I picked someone so opinionated. It helps a lot to hear a man's (un-edited) point of view. Without further ado.....

My First "Rules" Date and Rule #1: Be a "Creature Unlike Any Other."

The Guy's Perspective:

First off, I would like to congratulate Miss Ash on getting herself a date. I hope your Cuddle Bunny asked you out. Very un-rules like otherwise. Who the Hell does that? Seriously? Even if you DO like to cuddle, that’s like saying “I want to make you breakfast in bed” before you take someone home. Ridiculous. I eagerly await the opportunity to critique this social outing.

"Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile (you light up the room), pause between sentences (you don't babble on and on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight), and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back)." "It doesn't matter if you're not a beauty queen, that you never finished college, or that you don't keep up with current events. You still think you're enough! You have more confidence than women with MBAs or money in the bank. You don't grovel. You're not desperate or anxious. You don't date men who don't want you. You trust in the abundance and goodness of the universe: if not him, someone better, you say. You don't settle. You don't chase anyone. You don't use sex to make men love you. You believe in love and marriage. You're not cynical. You don't go to pieces when a relationship doesn't work out. Instead, you get a manicure and go out on another date or to a singles dance. You're an optimist. You brush away a tear so that it doesn't smudge your makeup and you move on! Of course, that is not how you really feel. This is how you pretend you feel until it feels real. You act as if!"

Confident women are great, so long as they are confident about things that are worth being confident about. That girl with the loud, obnoxious voice who makes no effort to tone it down because she is proud of its tone? Not attractive. That girl who acts like a spoiled, high-maintenance brat because she is proud to be part of ParisNation? She will be spending a lot of Saturday nights with her toy Pomeranian. Or the girl who weighs two bills and orders dessert saying “Hey, I’m fat and proud?” Good, you will soon also be diabetic and proud, a cardiac patient and proud and, probably, single and proud. So, yes, ladies, be yourself, so long as yourself is not an overly offensive, spoiled fat girl, Because God knows every man pictures himself with one of those. And how does this apply to women who, you know, actually finished college, have MBA’s and money in the bank? Are they supposed to be like “I am more confident than those bimbos who dropped out of community college so they could marry well?” I just don’t know.

"Most women hang around men all night waiting to be asked to dance. But you do The Rules. If he wants to be with you or get your phone number, he'll search the crowded room until he finds you. You don't offer him your pen or business card. You don't make it easy for him. Don't even carry them with you or you may be tempted to "help him out." The reason is that he has to do all the work. As he scrambles around begging the coat-check girl for a pen, you stand quietly. You think to yourself, 'The Rules have begun!'"

Singles dances are actually quite popular among twentysomethings. Provided those twentysomethings are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Otherwise “Singles Dances” are generally held in large rooms with smoke, lasers, alcohol and the occasional illicit drug. At which point finding a pen may prove rather difficult. At any rate, telling a woman to make a man do all the work is only setting her up for failure. When you do this, a man thinks “If I have to do all the work now, what happens when we are in bed? Or, God forbid, have children?” Okay, we actually skip that second part, but still we are concerned that a woman who makes you desperately scramble for a pen may be the type to make your life a living Hell should you choose to pursue her after the lights come on. And, again, a lot of men feed of female interest. Feigning apathy will only make me less inclined to call you. Feigning interest, on the other hand, may get you dinner at The Ivy.

Rule #1: Be a "Creature Unlike Any Other."

I will admit that Rule #1, in essence is a very good one. Aside from acting "demurely," the basic premise is great.

"Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile (you light up the room), pause between sentences (you don't babble on and on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight), and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back)."
"It doesn't matter if you're not a beauty queen, that you never finished college, or that you don't keep up with current events. You still think you're enough! You have more confidence than women with MBAs or money in the bank. You don't grovel. You're not desperate or anxious. You don't date men who don't want you. You trust in the abundance and goodness of the universe: if not him, someone better, you say. You don't settle. You don't chase anyone. You don't use sex to make men love you. You believe in love and marriage. You're not cynical. You don't go to pieces when a relationship doesn't work out. Instead, you get a manicure and go out on another date or to a singles dance. You're an optimist. You brush away a tear so that it doesn't smudge your makeup and you move on! Of course, that is not how you really feel. This is how you pretend you feel until it feels real. You act as if!"

Ok, this one is pretty ok in my book. I agree that desperation is not attractive and moving and not settling for someone who doesn't feel the same is the best thing to do- even if you have to fake it. By the way, what the hell are "singles dances." Hard to believe that this was written in 1995.

"Most women hang around men all night waiting to be asked to dance. But you do The Rules. If he wants to be with you or get your phone number, he'll search the crowded room until he finds you. You don't offer him your pen or business card. You don't make it easy for him. Don't even carry them with you or you may be tempted to "help him out." The reason is that he has to do all the work. As he scrambles around begging the coat-check girl for a pen, you stand quietly. You think to yourself, 'The Rules have begun!'"

More like "the games have begun." Ok, this seems really unneccessary. I really don't want to make a guy run all around a "singles dance" (haha), looking for a damn pen. I always carry one, and besides, I don't know a single person who doesn't have a cell phone. Also, I don't see a problem with asking a guy to dance, as long as it doesn't seem desperate and I don't go up to him multiple times to ask.

My First "Rules" Date

Well, gang, it looks as if I'll have something to write about sooner than I originally thought. I have a date Saturday night with a guy I met on match.com. He asked me out on Tuesday, and since I am not really that interested in him, I thought he might make a good victim...ummm, I mean test subject. He seems a little dull, and he actually has mentioned several times that he likes to cuddle. The first time he said that, I thought he was joking, so I said, "wow...that's almost too cheesy for words." I think I may have offended him, but since he's mentioned it several times since then, I'm guessing I didn't hurt his feelings too badly. Any guy who asks me right off the bat if I like cuddling is definitely not someone I would want to date. Granted I do like to, but it's not something that any man asks during your first conversation unless he's a (and excuse my language) pussy.
So we shall see how this goes.

White Dade's Commentary

Ok folks. To do this the right way, I really wanted to get a guy's input. Enter White Dade. After reading his blog, I knew that he would be the perfect guy for this project. He's intelligent, opinionated and observant. He has agreed to add his commentary on both the Rules and my experiences with them. I'm still working out the kinks in how to do this so that it reads well, but I'm thinking that I'll add his posts after mine (or rather before, as the most recent post appears at the top of the page).
Anyways, here are his first two entries:

"My first evening with 'The Rules'":

The Guy's Perspective:

The inherent problem with “The Rules” is that it automatically weeds out men who feed off of women’s enthusiasm for them. Contrary to popular belief, a LOT of guys like girls who are not “aloof” as you say. Actually, most of us do. There is an expression that guys like to throw around to the effect of “The Thrill Is In The Chase,’ which is true. But when that chase is akin to the Battan Death March run at Olympic speed, we tend to think “There are easier ways of doing this.”

Ashburn did the right thing in this situation, though, especially since she didn’t seem overly enamored with either one of these guys. Had she shown excessive interest, well, she may have gotten one of these poor boy’s hopes up. As a very wise person once told me “If you never expect anything, you’ll never be disappointed.”

Lastly, I would like to add that any guy who asks your friend for your number may be a little lacking in the cojones department. I am all for letting a girl make the first move, ask for my number, etc. But honestly, dude, if you can’t ask a girl to her face for her number, how are you ever going to ask her to take off her bra?

Introduction: But First the Product- You!

The Guy's Perspective:

"Men like women who wear fashionable, sexy clothes in bright colors. Why not please them?"

Bright colors are back, Ashburn, have you not been to the Polo store lately? One trip to the window shop at Bal Harbor or Aventura tells me that if you are not in Bright Orange, Bright Pink or Bright Yellow, you are an abomination to fashion and do not deserve any attention from men. This trend is quite unfortunate for those of us that look good in, say, black, navy, grey and white. Am I getting too Queer Eye here for you? IN GENERAL, I would have to agree with the rules, here, though. Bright colors give off an air of fun and carefree-ness. Like, I picture blonde tanned girls laughing away in their bright orange polo shirts. But, by all means, if you look like shit in red, don’t waste your money.

"Don't leave the house without makeup. Put lipstick on even when you go jogging!"

We also have a word in the fitness industry for women like the one who wrote this pearl of wisdom: Gym Skank. As a fitness professional, I find it insulting when people use my facility as a pick up joint. And most girls do too. For the men reading this: NEVER PICK UP A WOMAN AT THE GYM. I know you think you look hot in your Hanes Muscle-T, and there is inherent sexuality oozing out of the walls of even the smallest weight room. But you are going to look like a jackass and your success rate won’t be very high. I have never met a girl who said she liked being hit on during her workout. And sweaty makeup is only hot in one situation, and it does not involve an elliptical machine. Okay, it involved an elliptical machine once, but that was a long time ago and it almost got me fired.

"Do everything you possibly can to put your best face forward. If you have a bad nose, get a nose job; color gray hair; grow your hair long. Men prefer long hair, something to play with and caress. It doesn't matter that short hair is easier to wash and dry or that your hair is very thin. The point is, we're girls!"

This is a lot like the colors thing. Short hair looks good on Natalie Portman, Halle Barry and a few runway models. That’s it. If you are not one of those people, take that thought out of your head and put it right next to “You know, I’ve never actually TRIED heroin.” But, yes, you should try to look as good as possible if your goal is to attract a man. We are visual creatures, ladies. That is what we play off of. It is why we love porn, strip clubs and sports. We are judged by our peers by the attractiveness of our mates, much as you are judged by your mate’s relative success. Sad? Sure. Unfair? You could argue that. But your looks will be the #1 thing that a man is initially attracted to. Sorry.

"Don't tell sarcastic jokes. Don't be a loud, knee-slapping, hysterically funny girl. When you're with a man you like, be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile. Don't talk so much. Wear black sheer pantyhose and hike up your skirt to entice the opposite sex! You might be offended by these suggestions and argue that this will suppress your intelligence or vivacious personality. You may feel that you won't be able to be yourself, but men will love it!"

This part they forgot to mention in this section is that is was meant for women living in countries controlled by the Taliban. Had they left that in, you probably would not have had to make those multiple trips to the bathroom. In all honesty, in a lot of other cultures this would apply. Which is why I find most Latin girls in Miami so dreadfully dull and humorless. Maybe they are funnier in Spanish, I don’t know. This suggestion is complete crap. In America, f you want a guy with a personality, you have to have one yourself. Plain and simple.

Thanks, White Dade for the input. And guys, if you get a chance, visit his blog- there's some very funny stuff there.

Introduction: "But First the Product- You!"

So there are a few parts of this that I agree with- basically the premise is to always look your best. But there are parts that absolutely infuriated me.

"Look your best! The better you look, the better you will feel, and the more desirable you will become to him. Maybe other men will start finding you more attractive and asking you out. You will no longer feel that the man you're currently dating is the only man on earth. You'll be less anxious and more confident. And when you look and feel good, you're less likely to break The Rules."

Ok, makes sense, and it's something we should all do. But wait! Here comes the fun part:

"Men like women who wear fashionable, sexy clothes in bright colors. Why not please them?"

Excuse me, I just threw up a little in my mouth. First of all, I didn't realize that this was the 80's and we were back to wearing "sexy clothes in bright colors." I happen to think a nicely tailored black suit, or well-fitting jeans and a black top are much sexier. Bright colors don't look sexy. Sure, they can be cute, and cheery, but if we are looking for sexy, a bad choice. And furthermore, it is much more important to wear clothes and colors that flatter you. For instance, I have light skin and blonde hair, so yellow, orange, and some reds look absolutely horrible on me. I would much rather be classy than "sexy." And I am not even going to touch that "why not please them" comment. Anyone who knows me knows that that one sent me through the roof.

"Don't leave the house without makeup. Put lipstick on even when you go jogging!"

Personally, I work out to get into shape. I am not going to the gym wearing full makeup. Besides the fact that it's really bad for your skin, I don't want to have to sacrifice a good workout in order to keep my makeup from smudging. I see women at the gym every day with makeup on, cute workout clothes and their hair done. There is a name for that kind of woman- a bimbo. These women make me want to hurl. And I honestly can't believe that any self-respecting guy is picking up these women at the gym with the intention of having anything beyond a one-night-stand with them.

"Do everything you possibly can to put your best face forward. If you have a bad nose, get a nose job; color gray hair; grow your hair long. Men prefer long hair, something to play with and caress. It doesn't matter that short hair is easier to wash and dry or that your hair is very thin. The point is, we're girls!"

Ok, so I'm supposed to forego a cut that may be more flattering on me so that men can play with and caress my hair?? While I agree that a very short, boy-cut is not that cute (on most women-there are a few women that can pull it off), I also think that it's more important to have a style that works for YOU. I know someone who has very long, straight, fine hair. No layers. No bangs. Part in the middle. I'm sorry, but that Crystal Gail look is not flattering on anyone. And if you don't like your nose and want a nose job, please do it for YOU, not to "catch a man." Any self-improvement should be done in an effort to feel better about ourselves, not so that the opposite sex sees us as more attractive.

Here's where it gets REALLY infuriating:

"Don't tell sarcastic jokes. Don't be a loud, knee-slapping, hysterically funny girl. When you're with a man you like, be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile. Don't talk so much. Wear black sheer pantyhose and hike up your skirt to entice the opposite sex! You might be offended by these suggestions and argue that this will suppress your intelligence or vivacious personality. You may feel that you won't be able to be yourself, but men will love it!"

Ok, now I'm full-on vomiting. All this time I thought that any man worth my time would want a woman with an actual personality! According to the rules, though, women aren't supposed to have personalities- we apparently are only supposed to be quiet eye-candy. Is that why I'm still single?? Because I am intelligent and like to laugh and make other people laugh? Damn, I guess I need to be a 'Stepford Wife' to land a man. Oh, and I need to start hiking up my skirt.

We haven't even started the rules yet...this was the introduction. Trust me, it gets worse.

My first evening with "The Rules"

Friday night I was at a friend's place for some drinks. There were only a few guys there, only two of which were eligible "candidates." Well, I did the "Rules" thing and remained aloof- friendly, yet aloof. It seemed to have worked pretty well. I noticed that they both started timing their cigarette breaks so they would be outside smoking at the same time as me. This is one of the "rules" that I actually agree with...after all, no one likes desperation.
The next day, my friend called me to tell me that both of them asked her for my number. I haven't heard from either of them yet, but we shall see.
I don't have a lot of time today to dissect rule #1, and I forgot to bring the book with me today, but I'll try to get to it tonight. I should have done that this weekend, but it's probably going to be a very long post, and the ADD was bad all weekend.

The Reason for this Experiment

I have been reading The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, just for the hell of it (I'm on the elliptical every night for at least 45 minutes...lots of time to kill), and quite frankly, I found this book extremely insulting to both men and women. This book seems to completely disregard men's intelligence and want for an intelligent woman in their lives. It tells women not to joke or show her true personality until they are in a committed relationship. Are you kidding me? It calls for women to be the subservient Stepford wives of the 1950's. Is this really what men want from a woman?
But, being the analytical pseudo-intellectual that I am, not to mention all of the Sociology classes that I took in college, I know not to discount a theory (especially a best-selling one) without testing it. Hence this blog. I'm not sure how long this blog will last for two reasons: 1. I have ADD and will probably get bored with it, especially as there most likely not be daily posts and it will be a rather long process; and 2. I HATE playing games and lying to people.
Now to really do this, I have to follow the "Rules" to a tee. Therefore I cannot try this on any guy that I already know, have talked to, or has read my other blog or MySpace page. After all, the "Rules" tell you not to show too much personality or be too deep in the beginning. Anyone who has read anything I've written or who knows me knows that this is totally NOT me.
It the weeks or months ahead, I will go through each "Rule" and analyze that "Rule" as it pertains to actual real-life dating.
By logging this, I'm hoping it will prove the "Rules" to be just what I think they are: complete crap; and hopefully dissuade people from playing these games.
This will probably start very slowly because I have to wait for a man to initiate conversation and to ask me out. Being the impatient person that I am, this is going to be the most difficult part. But, if I'm going to do this, I have to do it all the way. So there may not be very much to write for a while. But please be patient.